I’m sorry I haven’t been around much-working a full time job while in full time school is truly tricky.  I am fatter than ever (over 100 pounds) mostly because I have had many gatherings that require lots of food (weddings, birthdays, dates etc.) and I am just too weak to say no. 

 

I have been thinking about my future-like what I am going to ACCOMPLISH in my life.  What am I doing here?  I have tried so many times to die (I am actually in unpleasant health because of it) yet I am still here.  I am fat-we’ll come back to that.  I had planned on going to get my masters-yet I can’t quite finish one fucking class as a prerequisite in enough time to apply for 2007.  Then there is a considerable chance I wont get accepted (they only accept 8% of applicants per year! That’s not very many people!).  What do I PERFORM for a living?  I am terrified of it all…

 

Then-I am fat.  I have gained enough weight that everyone thinks I am happy when I am in terrible torture yet it doesn’t show b/c I am HEAVY now.  I can’t puke anymore b/c my jaw locks when I do and it hurts so I either have to eat (and comply to others to avoid conflict) or try to isolate myself enough to avoid food (which is extremely challenging). 

I am distressed yet no one knows about it.  My masquerade has worked well since everyone believes I am cheerful, but somehow that makes me feel even more despondent and estranged from existing.  I know the motions that I am going through intellectually nevertheless I can’t EXPERIENCE them. 

 

The guy I am dating (P) calls me by pet names like sweetie, honey, sugar and I don’t know how to respond because I can’t experience it emotionally, I can’t feel it.  So my response is always to ignore it and continue on like it never happened.  This creates an environment that lacks emotional intimacy, which I can’t change.  Every time I even think about being cuddly, touchy feely with anyone I panic (literally I have a panic attack). 

 

Who’s going to live with that?  Who’s going to understand that response as fear rather than rejections?  I don’t know what I am doing here, I don’t know what to do or say anymore.  I am so alone, I feel so wholeheartedly alone.  Who can tolerate someone like me with so many problems?

 

That is why I need my Ed so badly, and she knows how much I need her.  She will always be waiting for me and I will always be searching for her for solace from this numb place.

 

Who’s going to ever understand me if I can’t even grasp me?  I blame me for all of this, you create your own reality and if I creating this nightmarish reality I have to live in it in solitaire.       

 

Guilt is the reason and it is the truth I can’t see.  I know that is valid yet my conscience says it is I to blame.  Who’s going to ever empathize with that and forgive me for my defects if I can’t forgive myself?

 

I’m looking for the sky to save me.  I’m looking for a sign of life inside of me that isn’t self-revulsion and self-demolition.  I am able to simulate this seemingly well-adjusted young woman yet I terrified of existing in this realm (as opposed to my internal reality that is commonly referred to as ana).  I am so muffled by this other realm that is so private to me (my ana) that to simulate a normal person is demanding.

 

Breathing, breathing down into this space in my head that is comfortable is what I long for like I am longing for water in the desert.  My psyche is drowning in this tug-of-war between normalcy and my addiction-ana.  I don’t think anyone in my life would really understand when I say that because they haven’t experienced the reality of living in the ana dwelling.  There is something about it for me that is terrorizing yet addicting and appeasing resembling the effect of drugs.  The other space that ana creates is very consoling in a way because it is predictable and it gives you a focus and purpose to be engaged in. 

 

I don’t think I can turn and walk away.  It is a matter of time before I turn and break again since this has been my life for over a decade now.  If I ever did turn and walk away from her I would have no sanctuary.  That is what this ana space is-my sanctuary that is privileged for just me.  No fucking hurtful people or events can get to me if I am in my ana sanctuary. 

 

How can someone really empathize with that and love me like that?                 

You're never going to get past any pain unless you're willing and able to forgive (that includes others as well as yourself). I know it's hard. It was very hard when I first started therapy to forgive my father and myself for hating him so much. But it's something that I had to do to push through the pain. Forgiveness is very personal and it's a decision that only you can make. No one ever has to know what/who/why/when that person/yourself was forgiven. It never has to be shared with anyone. But you'll know and that's the most important thing. I'm sorry that you're having health problems because of the ed...it happens to the best of us. About the intimacy issues with your bf...maybe the two of you can go to couples councelling. That way he'll understand what he can do to make things easier for you and you can understand what you need to do as well.