I called in sick to work today.  I have been sick so they believed me but I wasn't sick today.  I just had too much stuff to catch up on.  Most of the time I just can't figure out why I am not dead-physiologically I should be. 

Well-things in my life (other than this constant FUCKING fat that wont leave my body or mind) are pretty good: 

*Please excuse my cursing in my posts-I don't like to cuse but I have to in regards to myself, I deserve it*

-I guess most people would be very happy in my situation-I thought I was out of a job.  However I have been turning work down b/c as soon as my schedule became available they wanted me for more and more hours and higher pay too. 

-I currently am working about 40 hours a week and taking 15 credit hours at school-both of those are considered full time each. 

-I feel productive at work.  My coworkers have began to listen to me and it boosted my self-confidence b/c I seem to be doing the best at every project. I secretly marvel in this new found status at work.  I wish I could describe the feeling when every move you make the entire building is looking in awe.  My supervisors have even come to me for advice on projects or new ideas! 

-This ego boost isn't only in the work department: everyone is so eager to find out how I stay "so thin" while eating choc covered pretzels for breakfast.  I think I have gotten thinner (I have avoided the scale like its fat) b/c the concerns/compliments are perpetual. 

-I enrolled in classes this semester to keep my mind occupied.  I find that when i am alone or when my mind isn't in this obsessive rush to get work done I am EXCEPTIONALLY suicidal.  I have fucked up my body to the point I am sure right now a doc would admit me to the hospital.  My pulse is at a steady 130-134 beats per minute (thats a lot, normal healthy young adults have a pulse of 70 b/m).  I am constanly dizzy, sluggish, yellow, and spitting blood (secretly).   

-Yet I am still able to pose effortlessly as this savvy, poised, well-adjusted person.  ???

-My memory has deteriated so much that when people really start talking to me I sound like a fool.  I can't remember simple things (i.e. my middle NAME, how to spell my name, my address, who I am talking to, what I did this-morning etc.)

-Despite all of this disarray I am still dating that guy (*known as p) and I actually WANT to sleep with him.   I really like him a lot-he has yet to try to even touch me even tho (word of mouth from his family) he really wants too.  He sleeps over frequently and cooks me the most perfect meals for me (all nearly fat-free, used with splenda and fine foods).  We spends hours upon hours reading, talking, cooking, tasting foods.  How perfect is that for someone with an ed? All day u just essentially obssess about food with someone.  And the more he holds out physically the moreI want him. 

-But I am terrified to allow him to know my personal life (the cuts, suicide, ed, etc.) just b/c it feels so intrusive-it wont be my little blanket to curl up to.  PLUS that is pretty damn intimidating to learn that the person your dating is majorly messed-up.  And what happens if we break-up?  I am scared to handle one other person in my fucked up mind.  I am shit-I should have never spoken to him.  It prolly would save him the time and energy.

-Despite all of this-I still am trying to die.  At any given moment I can I od (which fucks me up for days/even weeks).  Why do I feel so variable?  When anything is referrenced/addressed to me or someone focuses on me I just want to do violent things to myself.  Yet any other time I am ok (as long as I am completely disconnected from the world emotionally)? 

-I know I am a POS, and I know that this indulgence in p, work and school is wrong.  Its like Hilter indulging in his fantasies of being in power of the world.  (I obviously hate hitler!).  I have to go to bed...my thoughts are sorted out at least. 

          -Vega-soon I hope! As soon as I can (emotionally really).  I don't know if that makes sense.