Here I am again, dejected as shit.  I just got into an argument with my mother yet again.  She wanted me to answer questions about my schedule two weeks ago as I was driving and I told her I couldn’t remember two weeks ago and I would have had to look at my planner, however I was driving in traffic and couldn’t just reach into the back seat and grab my planner and read it as I was DRIVING!  She got pissed and said that I wouldn’t get the money then and hung up on me. 

 

I have not been getting along with my some of my family much because I have been working at my other job a lot more.  My mom gets upset that I can’t do things during her time but rather we have to make an appointment or compromise on a place.  She just assumes that I will come to her-an hour away-one way!  That’s TWO hours of driving everyday outside of commuting to my own job.  I get tired for Christ sake, what’s the problem with meeting half way? The problem is that in the past I would give in and drive down to her.  But since I had to spend a lot of money on my car (after the whole ledge thing) I really am tired of driving so much.  That’s only one issue…

 

I feel like no matter how hard I try I can’t truly keep things together.  No matter what I do I still feel rotten.  I am on two antidepressants, I stopped using substances, I have eaten more (and lost weight), and have worked more so now what?  I really want to stop breathing.  I know it is just me and I know I am a shit-faced disappointment and I recognize it is essential for me to die. 

 

I feel guilty and it feels like a rain cloud is over me.  I know I am so inherently iniquitous and no matter how hard I try I am still a fucking POS.  This is supposed to pass and life situations are supposed to change with time.  But I don’t hate my life instead I abhor myself.

 

I am dating my boss’ nephew (who is a chef) and he is so sweet and cute.  I am scared because he doesn’t know what a mess I am.  He respects my personal space-meaning he hasn’t tried to fool around with me in any sexual manner-and I really appreciate that.  But I am DREADFULLY terrified if something (sexual) does happen.  My wrists and my body are shredded up from trying to die.  How do you explain that?  Its not that it happened years ago-some of the cuts are from just last week.  How do I explain my fear of intimacy? The rapes, the sexual abuse?  The eating issues (even though I am fatter than ever)?  What if it gets back to my boss? 

 

I am so good at faking it that he believes that I am well put together.  He has no clue that I wish to die. 

 

And I really WISH (fucking plead) to die.  So how do I deal with him?  What do I tell him?

Congrats on dating him. I wish I could offer you some sound advice, but I can't. I'm so happy that he isn't pushy. I've never heard of a guy who wasn't! :P Enjoy it. If he does start to go further just tell him you're not comfortable or not ready. If you're comfortable with him, maybe sometime you can tell him why. If not, that's ok too- he should respect you. I know what it's like to be terrified of intimacy... it's tough. It took r and I a year before I was really comfortable with anything. The good news is he accepted it while I wasn't, for the most part.
I hope that maybe this guy can help you find more meaning to life so you'll want to die less... but hey, we're always here for you if you need us. Good luck!