So it has been nearly a month since I have posted-a lot has gone on.  This journal is mainly for my purpose to sort through my thoughts and I have not been able to even log on.  I tried to kill myself a few times (pills, slitting my wrist, buying a gun-but it was found, and more pills, and driving my car off a small ledge in the mountains) yet I am still here.  I FUCKING WANT TO FUCKING DIE! 

Current weight-92 pounds

I cry every night as I imagine my head being slammed into the concrete-I NEED to die.  This intense feeling has lasted now for two years-non stop the fat on my fucking shitty body suffocates me.  My legs, arms, wrists are covered with scars witch just makes me fatter.  I am fatter than EVER!  FAT BITCH is my name!

*All the while this is going on on the inside of me however my outside demeaner is so perfectly put together.  I won a grant for research (that I had to pass b/c it required me to eat with associates) and my coworkers think I am some "model person" they need to follow.  They inquire questions about my weight and how I keep my life so in order.  My family thinks I am happy, and my friends think I am doing just fine. 

I am torn-I DESPISE myself and my FAT SHIT FACED ASS-however a little boy I work with just got diagnosed with bipolar (along with autism) and I have started working with him more.  He is a very unique person and its quite obvious when he grows up he will be VERY successful.  So I have been trying to outwradly hold myself together for him, yet I still have that yearning to stop breathing. 

I haven't used any substance other than caffiene for maybe a month or more (not even New Years) and I engage in "normal" social behaviors now such as dating (a very sweet slightly reserved guy) and going out to dinners and parties.  Yet however normal I try to be and however hard I try to hold myself together, I am falling deeper into this other dimension and I know I will die sometime soon.  My kidneys, heart, and liver are fucked up and I have seizures daily now. 

The only question I have that runs through my mind all of the time is why am I so FAT? My self control confuses me; on one hand I am in COMPLETE control, and yet I experience my world as so chaotic.  I know I am a horrible, rancid person-I HAVE TO DIE! DIE, DIE, DIE BITCH! 

This will never END!