I know that my life is very small relative to the universe so I realize that these words that come to me as thoughts and end up on my pc screen are self-indulgent and insignificant.  I work with unfortunate children day after day, and I volunteer at the hospital twice a month so I see the iniquitous affairs that many people have to endure.  So these thoughts I have (and feel) I feel contrite and just plain wrong for having.  I still really want to die and I am fuming that I am not dead yet.  I always think (weird that i obsess about this b/c I usually seem in a good mood?) that I can kill myself now but it is Christmas-we have family in town!  Everyone will think that I did it out of anger or attentio when really i just REALLY want to die.  Recently I have seen commercials for a tv show with Jenna Elfman and OMG she is so thin and I am VERY FAT!  I am so terrified of my fat and I hate that people just don't understand that.  My Dad just says that there are more important things in life-WELL NO DUH!!!!!!!  No wonder I feel so guilty!  But I can't get off my fat.  I know I have tendencies towards OCD-personality and that is why I was so "sucessful" in school but that does not change the fact that i am FAT and that I should die b/c I AM fat and unworthy. 

I am afriad to do anything-live (school, work, date, friends) except to die.  I COULD just buy a gun or steal some narcotics, but that is out of the option.  I have to die by my own hand-and to slit my wrist is very violent-and the gun -(I really want to spare my sister) and is a bit hard to do scince you have to go through the tnedons etc.  The only websites that I have found that tells you how to die say things like "tylenol"-HUH-well check my blood, that doesn't work!  Why is it so easy to die unintentially but hard to die intentially?    

Anyway, I am really sad and want to die-but I think the holidays are are making my mood elevated but the NEED to die hasn't gone away. 

I am sleepy now-I have got to go to bed.  Good night.