Some interesting things going on: 

First-interestingly enough my mood has been all over the chart.  In the mornings I wake up usually in a good mood.  This is not unusual for me but what is unusual is that I stopped taking the antidepressants and I still feel good in the mornings.  Actually-I have felt better than I have in a while.  This may be due to the fact that it is the Holiday season and I LOVE the holiday season so much.  The music, the lights, the FOOD!  But I DO HATE the malls-so I always do all of my Christmas shopping before Thanskgiving to avoid the whole thing of nasty shopping in crowds.  I instead can spend the whole month of December chilling out. 

Anyway-although I have been in a slight better mood in the mornings/day while off Lexapro I have been crying EVERY Evening.  By the time its night I just cry and cry.  My memory also has gotten worse-I couldn't remember any of my Co-workers names at the Company Christmas party last night (and I was sober too!).  My word recall to articulate myself has declined even more.  I sound "stupid" even though I am talking about things I know really well.  It takes me a while to even get out my thoughts.  Going off the Lexapro suddenly is suppossed to make you REALLY depressed and there are warnings all over saying to not just stopping the lexapro but rather lower the dose and stop gradually. So I can't tell what is going on-I might also be crying at night because there are a lot of other stressful things going on (i.e. I watch my younger sister just take abuse from her boyfriend but she wont leave him, I am disregarded by everyone in my family-so any of my thoughts that they don't like are dismissed "well she is sick with anorexia", no friends etc.).  Anyway...I don't remember where i was going with all of that.

My Christmas party for work last night was strange.  I (once again) cried when I came home because I just don't fit in.  I feel so out of place all of the time and it sucks and last night I only felt comfortable with the 40 and up crowd rather than my own age group.  Most of the people I work with are my age (well about 25 to 30) but the administrative staff is older (what everyone calls the 40 and up group).  I tried really hard to fit in last night but I had NOTHING to talk about with the younger crowd.  They talked about how "Nick and Jessica broke up" (WHO is Nick and Jessica?-There is a Nick who works with us but was he dating a Jessica?) or Eminem.  

Also I dress (everyday) very differently than my coworkers.  I wore last night nice clothes-a skirt, tights, nice boots, and a nice sweater-and they all wore JEANS!  JEANS?  It is a company Christmas party, I thought you dressed nicer.  The only other person who dressed like me was my Boss.  This wouldn't have bothered me except for the fact people call me pretentios (or in high school rich bitch) so I am sensitive to the issue.  I have never fit in and I have always been told that someday I will.  In sixth grade it was "middle school is different, you'll fit in" then it was high school, then college, then in the workplace.  Now when?  I feel like I will never fit in.  My brother-in-law claims that I fit in with the more successful crowd (the boss' rather than employees) but that doesn't help.  My nanny when I was in first grade defended me once from the teacher saying I was an "old soul" rather than a child (I wasn't engaged in the book reading time b/c I would get so pissed when others read to me.  I wanted to read it myself even though I couldn't read very well yet).  My sixteenth birthday my friends wrote on my car "sixteen going on 40"! 

Its just upsetting b/c I really wish I had some friends (my age!, w/o kids!).  I feel like I have to dress down and behave inappropriately to fit in with the mid-20's group.  I just want to fit in!I am crying now!

Although-one REALLY good thing   ---Molly's cousin *P* (Molly is a girl I do behavioral therapy with-a client) wants to take me out!  This is exciting because he is VERY cute and everyone at my work likes him.  He also is a professional cook-this can be good or bad-and cooks me fine foods.  So all I have to say to my coworkers who say I am too pretentious is-"HA!  Why am I the one who can find the good catch!"    

People can say I am pretentious and my standards are too high but at least I will get what I want! 

Anyway-I am tired and I think I will go to bed.