Why am I not dead?  Why am I so fat?  Why is it so hard to kill yourself?  I know a lot about biology and physiology and quite honestly I am completely mystified as to why I hadn’t died.  Seriously the pills I have taken in the past few months really should have killed me.  If I were to list what I have taken medical professionals would be flabbergasted that I am still here.  I know my liver is mutilated and I have seizures all day long.  And my bones resemble an 80 year old and my joints are disappeared. 

I am so unworthy of this life because I am such fucking shit!  I don’t want to take another breath. I am so wasteful as I stagger around this being in a daze.  My memory has faded and I can’t even remember simple things.  I can’t remember the fact that my friend is engaged!  What a horrible person I am!  I am a fucking malicious person.  I hate myself so much. 

I have been really busy lately.  Almost every single day I have been to doctors just wasting money and time.  At night when I try to kill myself I yearn that each breath I take is my last.  When it is finally morning I cry in my bed before I get up at the fact that I am still alive.  My thoughts run to why Cassie was shot in the head and not me.  Every day I am intensely aware of my contemptible self and every little thing I do incorrect.  I try so hard to do things right however my head seems to be twisted on wrong.  I can’t remember what I am doing in the middle of the project and I am constantly shaky and unsteady. My fine motor skills have drastically degenerated to the point I can’t even tie my shoes so now I am wearing slip on shoes. 

The ironic thing is all the while my younger sister just rolls her eyes at me and discounts everything I do or say.  My mom yells at me for being “insensitive” to my sister because SHE is stressed for finals.  What about me?  What about how I feel while she rolls her eyes and disregards me? I spend hours crying everyday and I pine for the knives stabbing my chest to just halt.  Then I feel like a bigger shameless person because it’s not like my life is bad!  I have a great life (relatively) so why am I such a hideous person?

Someday soon I WILL eradicate myself.  Mark my words.  My soul has already been annihilated.  I need to be punished because I am such a repulsive individual.  I am DEFECTIVE. 

I sometimes wonder if my older sister bought a new puppy because of me.  Her and her husband work so much I am essentially taking care of the little thing.  Why would you buy a 6-week-old puppy when you work 110 hours a week?  It makes me speculate that they bought the puppy not only for themselves but also for me to play with and to keep me occupied. 

I wish I could articulate more of how defective I really am.  Words cannot describe the bricks that are hitting me at warp speeds and it has been months of this (look back into the archives, it has!).  LOL-I jumped out my window the other night hoping that the short three flights would kill me.  I was fine and actually I didn’t even have a scratch or sprain.  I feel like smashing my head on the wall until I can’t move anymore.