My skin is crawling and i can't describe this anyother way.   I know I have said this many times before but for lack of words ther is something inside me that is constantly pulling me below the suface.  I know this illusion of control which is actually a lack of self-control (with the ed) is never ending and I fear that this crawling feeling is never ending too.  I am being pulled beneath the surface of reality and it is confusing b/c even after pondering this I can't articulate it better.  I wish I could describe this fat feeling that makes me crawl.  I can feel it under my skin, like an itch, and it just gets worse and worse until I work out or somehow make myself thinner.

Fear is such a powerful emotion.  Fear is what pulls me under and I can't tell if it is the fear that makes me angry at myself or not.  But I do know it is part of what is pulling me beneath the surface of this reality-this plane.  When I am not fearful of the FUTURE in particular I have a moment of being ok.  But when my future is unknown that is what feeds the fear and then it is all down hill from that.  I  NEED the security, I am not one for "rushes" or "excitement" or "adventure"-that all give me MAJOR anxiety.  I NEED-like it is air- security in my future.  And w/o security fear just grows.

That is one thing that really bothers me: people think eds are about control over the PAST, but really for me it is PURELY control over the future.

think about this with ed's and recovery: