Have you ever felt like you really aren't alive and living?  The person that is standing there just looks like you and acts like you should.  But you know better-the real you has become lost into a shit-filled fat existence. 

Recently I have actually lost some friends.  Not from death but for some reason they don't want to talk to me.  Brendan (a good friend) has stopped talking to me because I am not of his religion and his family doesn't like it.  Same with Lucky.  I am not "brown" so he can't hang out with me becasue his fiance doesn't like the idea.  And lastly, my good friend KC.  She for the past year has known everything that has gone on in my head and ever since I tried to kill myself I haven't heard one single word from her.  Not even an email (we used to talk every night?) or a text.  Not a single word.  I doen't understand it.  It just makes me feel worse about my life. 

I bought potassium to make into a solution and inject it into my vien.  I wasn't going to do it for a while since I have plans all day tomorrow and saturday that I have a responsibility to-but my sister is gone tomight for the entire night and until tomorrow night.  That is plenty of time to make the solution or OD on the pills and actually die.  But tomorrow and Saturday are very important days for the little girl I work with.  Tomorrow she is being reevaluated and she may (probably) have her autism diagnosis dropped.  Saturday is her planned party into a typical private elementary school.  It would be HORRIBLE for her if I just don't show up to either of those events.  I have taught her for a year (40-50 hours a week and now leveling off to 10 hours a week) and she would be so upset if I just didn't show up.  This is a seven-year olds life that I would affecting she would feel let down. 

But GEEZ I really want to kill myself.  If not now when???  Maybe the timing wont always be right so then what?  (Excuse my language) FUCK!  I WANT TO DIE!

I am nothing-my friends not even talking to me is even proof.  I kinda understand with Lucky because his family is Indian and of very strict positions-plus he is getting married.  But Bren? Well Brendan's family has always hated me b/c I was the one who encouraged him to go to college rather than just getting married.  And KC!!!!  That is the one that hurts the most I think.  She just suddenly stopped replying to my texts and calling after she found out that I was found and sent to the ER.  Actually Tasia has stopped talking to me too-she says b/c school is too hectic.  Excuses to not talk to a rotten person. 

Well I am going to cry now and  go to bed.  I did drink a glass of wine and took a few sleeping pills but not enough to hurt me.  I have to meet molly at 7 am in the morning.  

Maybe I should just do it saturday night whether or not my sister is here.  This nightmare is too mcuh, I beg to die, just die in my sleep. 

Maybe I will cut tonight to avoid taking more pills.