I am such a nasty, nasty person.  Literally things just keep getting worse and worse.  First my parent’s kind of found out about this weekend.  (Kind of b/c they noticed many pills missing but they do not know what I tried to do with them).  They are pissed as hell and keep yelling and yelling at me.  When they demand a response all I say is that “I don’t need you to remind me what a ----- person I am”.

And even worse-for months I have had jaw problems and I have had to wear an “orthodox” 24/7 for about 6 months now and my joint isn’t stabilizing.  So they did more x-rays and tests and they found out that I have osteophytes covering my joints.  This means I have osteo-arthritus caused by osteoporosis in my jaw joints and in my hip joints.  I am 22 years old and in four of my joints already I irreversibly have osteo-arthritus. 

I am tired of my joints hurting and I thought they could fix it-but osteoporosis (and the osteophytes on my TMJ specifically) can’t be alleviated.  It is painful and I am tired of it.  Now I know it is a disease that can’t be resolved.

I am drained and I really wish my sister didn’t stay the night with me over the weekend because I know I probably would have passed away.  I know that many people think this is very imprudent however day-by-day life has become so fucking difficult and heart wrenching.  I can’t even think of one good thing in my life:  most of my friends are dead, I have NO insurance meaning I had to quite therapy completely, and I will have to stop my meds soon, I will be out of a job in two weeks, I am not in school b/c I can’t register (annoying I am admitted but not registered), my hip and jaw joints have osteo-arthritus and the pain can’t be alleviated, the more I watch the news the more it reaffirms that the worst in humanity can’t be controlled (Iraq issues, murders, rapes, Africa-GEEZ!), I am a FAT fucking cow and it wont stop, and many other things but I sound like I am whining and I am sure my whining gets annoying. 

TAXES, Fuck I pay more in taxes than what I actually make-I fucking hate taxes!  98% of the US taxes are paid by the middle class-not the wealthy (i.e. celebs, CEO’s etc. ~technically determined by people who make more than 2 million dollars a year).  That is SHIT!  So the middle class (also primarily small business owners) pay most of US taxes-THAT IS WHY I AM REPUBLICAN!  FUCK KERRY AND HIS TAX PLAN!  Not to say I love Bush-b/c I don’t-but Kerry’s tax plan (please if u don’t go to college at LEAST take a Econ class and a Tax course to understand the way things work!  And a science-research methods course to actually understand the scientific method and how science really works) I thought was going to be great but when you actually sit down and read the material it hurt business owner’s and HELPED the celeb’s and CEO’s.  Maybe I am biased since I own my own business (yet no cash flow-lol-that is the way it works when you own your own company!).  Okay, now I am just ranting~my point with this is that at least a bachelor’s degree is VERY imperative in good judgment and knowledge.  It takes time to actually research and read the bills being passed (you must look at both sides objectively and pick out biases!) but basing your ideas, knowledge and decisions on the news-any news-is a very bad idea.  The news is a business, not an NPO and they just broadcast what gives them more ratings.  AND-last rant-ANY research; study, etc. can be manipulated into what the researcher wants.  That is why it is important to look at WHO is the financial sponsor of the stats etc, what are the biases, was there a control, was it a double-blind study, was there any errors (there are various technical terms for these but basically was there any internal/external errors, subject errors, was it a fair representation of the populations etc.)?  Sorry-rants.  One last thing-extremes are not good-usually (look into Stephen Gould and Hawking for more interesting physics equations and laws on this subject) equilibriums are the complete and predictable solution.            

Another thing-it is –10 degrees outside, that is 10 BELOW ZERO and I can’t afford heat.  Although I DO feel good that I have a roof overhead at least but it is 55 degrees in here.  I spent much of today driving around the city dropping off blankets and hot chocolate to the homeless because it is so fucking cold here.  Tomorrow’s high is seven degrees, which is the HIGH for the day!         

Wow!  See this is why I don’t talk about anything outside my own head-I really get worked up with it.

The point of this entry is that I am tired of living point blank.  I know that things wont get better because that is just a false belief that I have clutched onto in my head. It has been almost 13 years and things have not change.  This is reality and there is no “someday”.  Someday is today and tomorrow was never promised to us.  Although tomorrow has been assured to us through experience and knowledge. 

I thought of this when I was a child watching the play “Annie” (one of my favorite ones).  The song “Tomorrow” sung by Annie that is supposed to bring hope also gave me insight to other lessons.  Annie always believed that “SOMEDAY” her parent’s would come back for her and that was what she focused on. But her parent’s never came for her (since they never came yesterday or today, why tomorrow?) and she had to invest in something else (in Annie’s case Mr. Warbucks). 

Yet it goes the other way too-Annie’s “Someday” or her wishful thinking like me, is what got her through her grave years in the orphanage.  So the question I came up with was if optimism was always the best trait?  Some optimists (my good friend Whitney is a great example) use their optimism to avoid reality.  If you just invest in wishful thinking “someday” or maybe it is for the better etc., things may never change.  You have to be more aggressive (pro-active) with the future.  Anyway, another rambling…

That all tied in because I would always invest in “someday” things will be okay.  But it has been SO long and things keep getting worse.  I know it wounds unreasonable for me to take my own life but seriously things are so hopeless.  What am I to do in two weeks?  No job, no school, no money, no insurance, and FAT!  Not to mention the constant minor seizures and joint pain.  It is ESSENTIAL and really my obligation to die.  It would be like Hitler being allowed to continue his existence and authority over the country.  It is just so iniquitous for me to continue this existence sometimes called my life.