Written Saturday night-Wow, I was FUCKED up last night.  I don't even know how many pills I took but in my bag I have so many empty Rx bottles that are for random things like arthritis and such. 

I also apparently texted all of my friends at 4am saying goodbye.  Odd-I could use the phone and pc at that point.

I don't know much else-I ended up in the ER getting my stomach pumped (PAINFUL!!) but I was so out of it that I really don't remember getting there (my sister drove me since I was puking and mostly unconscious).  My family doesn't know that I got my stomach pumped-they just think I had the stomach flu that has been going around (other people ended up in the hospital for it in my family).

I got home today at about dinnertime.  I still feel very sick to my stomach and my head wont stop doing that weird sensation/numbness feeling that shocks through my head. My throat and chest aches and I am really tired. 

Written Sunday night-I’m so sorry, I have been pretty messed up.  I can’t stay awake for the life in me.  My head wont stop doing that weird sensation thing again.  All daylong and it makes me feel so out of it then I have to sleep and I don’t wake up for a while.  I blank out and I puke much of what I eat.  After Friday I began eating a ton of carbs (the forbidden foods) and I actually don’t mind it b/c at LEAST half of what I eat I end up automatically puking it b/c my stomach is so messed up.

I am so sorry for worrying everyone.  I didn’t realize that people actually read the shit thoughts in my mind.  The interesting thing to me is that so many people have a false impression that I am so efficient and functional and that I am so normal and feeling okay.  I am scared to say that I still really want to die.  I will have to try again next weekend.  The thing is, is that I still am so gross and everything is still so wrong.  I have no job, no insurance (which my bill from the ER was outrageous but I took my inheritance and paid it immediately), and no future.  Although at this point I don’t know how able I am to function appropriately.  I am going to a meeting with my dentist and orthodontist to discuss when they are putting braces on me.  I don’t even want to begin the program b/c I know I am not doing well.  Plus, I don’t even know if I can get to the appointment because I can’t drive very well. 

Anyway-I HAVE to sleep now.  I can barely see the pc screen.  I am sorry for upsetting people-I hope I can email back soon.  Thank you so much for the support and help.  I am sorry if I sound dull I am just a little bit “blank” mentally recently.  “Good night!  Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!” 

(oh, I have been researching what that odd sensation in my head is-it is a “simple partial seizure” which may elevate to a grand mal seizure.  It is caused by electrolyte imbalances, drugs, and other things I can’t remember.  I have had them since I was 12 or thirteen, maybe 15?).  Interesting anyway…  

I'm glad you're ok. You don't have to apologize for our worrying. We worry because we love you. Most of us that regularly read your journal understand what you are feeling and going through. So, we try to connect with each other and give support as much as we can. Things won't get any better if you don't have some type of outlet. Journalling is good for that but you are eventually going to need someone to talk to. I hope you can reach out for help next time, for I would be losing someone I consider a friend if you succeed.

Anna is right again (as always, lol). Please make sure you tell someone the next time things get that bad. The after feelings of taking an OD are horrid, it took me weeks to get over that feeling, it's scarey! Anyway take care, you know where we are, we are always willing to listen and be there for you! Luv ya xxx

Ditto what Anna and Jo said. I would miss you very much if we lost you. Just because I'm not posting much doesn't mean I'm not reading your posts! Please take care. I hope you feel better soon.