Wow!  What a day!  I spent the day with my sister!  She is at the hospital right now (she got paged wo work!) so I am so not sober!  I took coke today-wine tonight along with vicoden, oxycodon (I am allergic to), and K-pin, with possible aspirin/Tylenol-I haven't decided on that one.  My sister is with me for the weekend but she got called into the eemregeny room (work for her).  I have had seizures today, well they are just MINOR focal seizures, or MINOR “partial” seizures but anyhow I have had so many seizures today that I wasn’t even present mentally.

I am really sorry if this sounds odd-I am so drugged up right now that I can’t even read what I am typing so I am sure there are many typos. 

I can’t believe that my sister hasn’t said anything to me.  I am so apparently fucked up and I even passed out earlier I think.  Although, I feel really bad b/c my father called me and DIRECTLY asked me if I was “safe” and if I was going to try suicide anytime soon.  I dully said “NO”.  which is a lie. 

I LIED!  I am so upset I lied I cried while on the phone as I lied to father about my intentions of this weekend.  That word-lie-is such a troublesome word.  I feel so remorseful for lying to my father about my intentions.  However he does not understand this flabby person that I feel.  Yes I understand that I FEEL it, and that I am technically underweight, but that doesn’t reduce the experience of the horrendous fat feeling.  I really wish I could explain it to him better-but that is it.  I FEEL so fat and unworthy ALL of the time.

Ever since I was in preschool I felt this unnerving every time I lied.  I felt like I was really cheating MYSELF rather than anyone else.  Why would I lie?  What is there (other than food) to lie about? My family essentially knows nearly all of my life and is there to support me, so why would I lie? (Other than food issues for obvious reasons.) 

I lied to avoid the hospital.  I lied so I could actually kill myself when I am alone.  I lied because I am such a horrid person-I am a person who LIES now.  I mean I LIED to my own FATHER!  My father who has sacrificed everything for me.  And how do I pay him back? I LIE!  Wow, I am whom I scorn; I am a liar to my own father!  I lied about my life too! 

Anyway-what I did tonight:  My older sister ended up getting paged into the ER so I took advantage of the few hours I had alone.  I drank like a fish and I took so many pills that really knows what is going to happen.  I KNOW I took vicoden, wine, cocaine, oxycodon, and more pills that I can’t remember.  I am pretty messed right now and my breathing is heavy.  I hope my sister comes home later and just doesn’t notice me.  I think I may die tonight!  I don’t want to use a gun and I haven’t even taken a third of the pills I was going to but I am very messed up.  I am sitting in my own puke even (gross, but if u want to die that is good, or it may be bad since u don’t absorb the drugs as much). 

ARRRRG-I have so to say about today and my “last words” but I am too messed up to write them.  I keep puking tho.  This may seem fragmented but at least ill get the info out:

1) visit a foriegn country if u can-I went to Japan last year, and maybe it is b/c of the east, but you really see/experience some incredible things in humanity.  I beleive MOST people in this world are good althought there r plenty of ill-intentioned people to really make it appear differently.  But if Isay nothing else-visit another culture than ur own.  

2) I do not believe in God or the bible (sorry mommy if u read this part but..) however I do believe that there MAY be a God.  I believe that since science have cannpt prove otherwise-A form of God or higher being may/may not exist.  This means that I still pray most nights (since science have proven spirituallity is very helpful) but I do not base my actions/behavior on the christian bible.  Rather I base them on many other things such as the Golden rule, how 'ethical' it is, and if I would RECOMMEND that behavior to my loved ones. 

3)......I am too messed up to continue 

WELL SO HOW THE NIGHT GOES-I MAY OR MAY NOT DIE. 

I didn’t take the pills I planned on to, but I took enough that I am so completely messed up I am in TOTAL disarray. Thank goodness for spell check!  Let me try to write what I wanted to before I die: