Ok there are a few issues that came up that make my plan a bit more difficult to complete.  My younger sister is sick and is staying home for the weekend.  That is fine b/c she will be at the apartment.  The big one is that my older sister and my bro-in-law have torn down a wall to their house and it is about 28 degrees outside.  So-they will be staying the weekend with me at my parent's house.  This is a HUGE problem since now I have to take care of their two dogs while they are at work (one of which is a 8 week old puppy who really is sweet-hence her name-but gets into trouble) AND they are staying at my parent's house with me until a new wawll gets built. That really puts a damper on my plan b/c I wont be alone to do it.  And while I COULD still take the pills at night and may die-my older sister is also an ER doctor so if she finds me before the pills have been absorbed I will then be getting my tummy pumped. 

My choices:  I can lie and say I am a a friends house but stay in a motel room-but I have never lied to my family except over what I have eaten.  This morning I couldn't bring myself to flat out lie to my sister about where I will be sleeping at so what makes me think I can do it tonight?  I really don't want to lie-that is SO unethical and flat out mean.  I can also just take the pills and hope that 6 hours passes before I am found by my older sister (that is the average time it takes for the pills to be completely absorbed and no hope of recovery).  But that is a risky game there-its about a 50% chance maybe that I will get caught.  I can't do it at my apartment b/c my younger sister is staying here for the weekend-she is pretty sick.  My last choice is to wait until next weekend ot next week-but I honestly don't think I can wait.  LOL-living isn't hard to do, dying is hard!  Why can't I just fall over dead?  I wish there were some other place I could be alone at.  Maybe I could park my car somewhere and take the pills in the car?  But that would still require a lie to my older sister as to where I am at. 

Hmmm-GRRR-   I don't think I can hold myself back though from taking those pills any longer!!!!!  My thoughts-Fat, die, fat, die, fatter!, I need to die!  Gosh I am shit I need to die I am so fat!  Literally day in and day out.  I can't take it anymore!  I can't use the gun with my family there b/c that is WAY TOO traumatic on them and I don't want to cause more pain than it will already be.  I carry the pills all day long, this would be easier if I lived alone!  Maybe I am thinking about it too mcuh-maybe I should just take them now?  But people (my family) will notice me getting sick and passing out and they will take me to the ER. 

Maybe I should just lie to them.  But I can't do that especially with this issue-that seriously is very decietful and too harsh.  Well-I guess I will see how the day goes.  To stop the pain for today I will have to use some cocaine to seem normal with my older sister and my bro-in-law.  Im pretty sure they can tell but at least that will help me control the impulse to jump off of the roof or out of the car right in from of them.  I really don't want them to see my dead body.  I have lots moer to wrtite aparently for today. 

I just want this pain to stop.  Why hasen't the higher dose of SSRI's helped? 

     Im sorry to sound so sad and down.  I am sad though, and GEEZ-it hurts to breathe!  These bricks wont stop hiting me (in my mind) at warp speeds.  It needs to stop!  Please make it stop!