Things recently have turned for the worse.  I gained weight recently again (I’m probably over 100 pounds for sure) and I have been so busy lately I haven’t been able to workout at all.  The few things that are really bringing me down sound insignificant but they actually are having an important effect on me. 

First because of annoying university paperwork and confusion on the university’s part, I am unable to attend school next semester.  This actually is a VERY big deal because that means I can’t get any insurance coverage for therapy anymore.  Without insurance coverage I will have to stop any sort of ED treatment (including my SSRI).  Our family just simply can’t afford it. 

Next, I have gained weight.  This sounds so trivial but when you have an ED ever since you were 12 years old your weight is EVERYTHING.  I dream about food and weight-and I am a failure for gaining some weight over Thanksgiving. 

Lastly, my life has nowhere else to go.  I can’t go to school (university confusion with paperwork), I won’t have a job by December 22nd, I can’t find another job b/c I am so fucked up I just obsess about fat plus no one is hiring, and I don’t have any more treatment.  I was denied for any sort of government help (disabilities etc.) so where am I going to even get money to pay rent?  I can’t even start my grad school program until 2007! 

So as I sit here and watch my tears fall onto my computer I have come to a nasty realization.  I don’t even know if I should say it.  Come Friday evening I will make one final decision and unfortunately I know it is the right one.  I will have to take my own life (well, what is left of one).  I feel horrible for doing that to my family and friends-but this really isn’t working out.  I am a mistake to nature.  By Christmas I will be on the streets anyway since I can’t afford rent.  There is no way out of this since I am trapped in this food-ridden hell of fat.  I am too fat for people to believe I have an Ed anyway.  Funny how easy it is to gain weight!  I was 97 pounds last Tuesday-now I KNOW I am about 105 pounds from the way my clothes fit.  I chose this Friday because my parents are out of town and I will have more of a chance to get a hold of lethal means of dying.

I am so tired of trying to make life enjoyable.  I know it is hopeless now and I am just desperate for this to all stop.  The only thing I need to figure out is how to ease the pain of the survivors.  I don’t want my sister to find me-so I may rent a motel room by my parent’s house so she doesn’t find me dead.  I already have a letter explaining how much I love my family and how much they have really helped me and that this isn’t their fault but mine.  It is my fault not theirs that I am such a calamity.   I am not angry-just hopeless and fat.  I can’t articulate how painful this is.  I have had MANY friends die and I miss them.  I have lost friends from suicide, AIDS, ana, murder and accidents.  I can only imagine Pat’s pain when he shot himself.  Was his pain similar to mine?  I still keep wishing Dylan had shot me rather than Cassie.  Although I went to the neighboring school not Columbine.  That is how I know I will be missed because I miss all of my passed friends.  But that just isn’t enough.  My life is so hopeless now.  Especially since I can’t go to school next semester and I have to stop all treatment.  I feel trapped.

I really hope my sister knows I love her.  I love my whole family and this is not their fault-although I know that is one thought they will have, self blame. 

That is all I have to say for now-I can't stop crying and my keyboard is wet now.  Good night.