Well my PC is kinda fixed!  I need a new one since this one is six years old.

T-day was ok.  I had fun with my family but there are still issues that are not solved.

Good thing we can still have fun with each other while still arguing. 

Sometimes I fear what is inside my mind like there is a dangerous serpent lurking around that can’t be tamed.  Tonight I am supposed to go to dinner (this quandary that wont just go away) and I really am afraid to go.  I know that afterwards my dark voice will erupt and I will have to puke the food that I ate.  Then unavoidably I will have a complete rational breakdown and try to hurt myself out of shame and panic. 

I really wish I had more to say.  This is my life and I am still depressed and fat.  It hurts so badly to talk to people.  It feels so intrusive and it takes too much exertion for me to act “normal” and happy.  As each bite enters my mouth I am acutely aware of the fat and calories that enter my system.  I am constantly in this struggle-like a tight rope.  On one end is the dark voice that I deserve nothing but reprimand because I am fat.  On the other end is really the “people pleaser” or nice me that can’t let others down.  They don’t know the real or concealed me.  They just know the “nice” me who can’t let others down. So I am constantly in limbo:

Go to dinner like the “nice” me should?  Or stay at home and avoid others?

I wish this pure fear of food wasn’t so intense.