Wow, I feel a lot better recently!  I have noticed after a huge breakdown over my fat the next few days I feel emotionally lighter and I guess you can say decent!  I am so sorry for thinking all of the unpleasant things I think.  What I write is what I think and the raw truth as to what I feel.  Most people see me as a sweet woman who likes to please and is very efficient and accommodating.  But I instead have these awful feelings that I would never wish upon anyone else. 

I don’t have any clue as to who reads these entries, but if you are not already engulfed in this shit of an eating disorder-DON’T WASTE YOUR TIME! 

It ruins your life and the crazy thing is that you know this in the depths of an ed.  But you can’t turn back. 

IT IS NOT romantic, fun, popular, or even cool.  It is shit.  It makes your skin break out and look pale, your hair fall in pieces into the drain like you are a cancer victim, your nails turn to shit (unless your famous like Kate Moss) and you FEEL like shit. 

That’s the worst part-you feel like shit all of the time.  You HATE yourself because of your own private battle that is so insignificant to this world.  You are always tired and you begin to loathe everything from your own body to your family and friends.  The isolation is the NASTIEST part of an eating disorder because it THROBS like death.  Your life becomes this private battle and you can’t WIN!  YOU CAN NEVER WIN!  That is the thing. You waste your energy time and mental capacity in this ridiculous war that never ends.  But somehow (this is where the disorder comes in) you think it is a life or death situation-pound by pound. 

Right now I have no clue what I am doing because I am so disoriented on a day to day basis I can’t even remember simple things like my birthday date.  I feel surreal, much like a Duillette painting (a modern painter but I know I spelled his name wrong).  I feel like my surroundings are constantly amiss and obscure at every moment.  I am not living in the here and now but rather some other dimension that consists of calories, fat, and pounds.  Those three issues are very clear to me as the rest of the world rushes by in their quest for something so foreign.  I feel like I live in another world from every other species on this planet and I have my own language (fat, calories, pounds).  I am not drunk or high right now.  I am completely sober.  Yet I still don’t feel connected with humanity. 

I don’t know.  I just don’t know anymore.  All I want to do is go down into oblivion and I know it really doesn’t matter much.  So many of my friends have gone away and the world moves on.  The world will move on after me too.  If I can’t be something REALLY useful, why be here and waste?  Especially when it hurts this fucking bad.