I’m sorry I haven’t been around much-working a full time job while in full time school is truly tricky.  I am fatter than ever (over 100 pounds) mostly because I have had many gatherings that require lots of food (weddings, birthdays, dates etc.) and I am just too weak to say no. 

I have been thinking about my future-like what I am going to ACCOMPLISH in my life.  What am I doing here?  I have tried so many times to die (I am actually in unpleasant health because of it) yet I am still here.  I am fat-we’ll come back to that.  I had planned on going to get my masters-yet I can’t quite finish one fucking class as a prerequisite in enough time to apply for 2007.  Then there is a considerable chance I wont get accepted (they only accept 8% of applicants per year! That’s not very many people!).  What do I PERFORM for a living?  I am terrified of it all…

Then-I am fat.  I have gained enough weight that everyone thinks I am happy when I am in terrible torture yet it doesn’t show b/c I am HEAVY now.  I can’t puke anymore b/c my jaw locks when I do and it hurts so I either have to eat (and comply to others to avoid conflict) or try to isolate myself enough to avoid food (which is extremely challenging). 

I am distressed yet no one knows about it.  My masquerade has worked well since everyone believes I am cheerful, but somehow that makes me feel even more despondent and estranged from existing.  I know the motions that I am going through intellectually nevertheless I can’t EXPERIENCE them. 

The guy I am dating (P) calls me by pet names like sweetie, honey, sugar and I don’t know how to respond because I can’t experience it emotionally, I can’t feel it.  So my response is always to ignore it and continue on like it never happened.  This creates an environment that lacks emotional intimacy, which I can’t change.  Every time I even think about being cuddly, touchy feely with anyone I panic (literally I have a panic attack). 

Who’s going to live with that?  Who’s going to understand that response as fear rather than rejections?  I don’t know what I am doing here, I don’t know what to do or say anymore.  I am so alone, I feel so wholeheartedly alone.  Who can tolerate someone like me with so many problems?

That is why I need my Ed so badly, and she knows how much I need her.  She will always be waiting for me and I will always be searching for her for solace from this numb place.

Who’s going to ever understand me if I can’t even grasp me?  I blame me for all of this, you create your own reality and if I creating this nightmarish reality I have to live in it in solitaire.       

Guilt is the reason and it is the truth I can’t see.  I know that is valid yet my conscience says it is I to blame.  Who’s going to ever empathize with that and forgive me for my defects if I can’t forgive myself?

I’m looking for the sky to save me.  I’m looking for a sign of life inside of me that isn’t self-revulsion and self-demolition.  I am able to simulate this seemingly well-adjusted young woman yet I terrified of existing in this realm (as opposed to my internal reality that is commonly referred to as ana).  I am so muffled by this other realm that is so private to me (my ana) that to simulate a normal person is demanding.

Breathing, breathing down into this space in my head that is comfortable is what I long for like I am longing for water in the desert.  My psyche is drowning in this tug-of-war between normalcy and my addiction-ana.  I don’t think anyone in my life would really understand when I say that because they haven’t experienced the reality of living in the ana dwelling.  There is something about it for me that is terrorizing yet addicting and appeasing resembling the effect of drugs.  The other space that ana creates is very consoling in a way because it is predictable and it gives you a focus and purpose to be engaged in. 

I don’t think I can turn and walk away.  It is a matter of time before I turn and break again since this has been my life for over a decade now.  If I ever did turn and walk away from her I would have no sanctuary.  That is what this ana space is-my sanctuary that is privileged for just me.  No fucking hurtful people or events can get to me if I am in my ana sanctuary. 

How can someone really empathize with that and love me like that?                 

I called in sick to work today.  I have been sick so they believed me but I wasn't sick today.  I just had too much stuff to catch up on.  Most of the time I just can't figure out why I am not dead-physiologically I should be. 

Well-things in my life (other than this constant FUCKING fat that wont leave my body or mind) are pretty good: 

*Please excuse my cursing in my posts-I don't like to cuse but I have to in regards to myself, I deserve it*

-I guess most people would be very happy in my situation-I thought I was out of a job.  However I have been turning work down b/c as soon as my schedule became available they wanted me for more and more hours and higher pay too. 

-I currently am working about 40 hours a week and taking 15 credit hours at school-both of those are considered full time each. 

-I feel productive at work.  My coworkers have began to listen to me and it boosted my self-confidence b/c I seem to be doing the best at every project. I secretly marvel in this new found status at work.  I wish I could describe the feeling when every move you make the entire building is looking in awe.  My supervisors have even come to me for advice on projects or new ideas! 

-This ego boost isn't only in the work department: everyone is so eager to find out how I stay "so thin" while eating choc covered pretzels for breakfast.  I think I have gotten thinner (I have avoided the scale like its fat) b/c the concerns/compliments are perpetual. 

-I enrolled in classes this semester to keep my mind occupied.  I find that when i am alone or when my mind isn't in this obsessive rush to get work done I am EXCEPTIONALLY suicidal.  I have fucked up my body to the point I am sure right now a doc would admit me to the hospital.  My pulse is at a steady 130-134 beats per minute (thats a lot, normal healthy young adults have a pulse of 70 b/m).  I am constanly dizzy, sluggish, yellow, and spitting blood (secretly).   

-Yet I am still able to pose effortlessly as this savvy, poised, well-adjusted person.  ???

-My memory has deteriated so much that when people really start talking to me I sound like a fool.  I can't remember simple things (i.e. my middle NAME, how to spell my name, my address, who I am talking to, what I did this-morning etc.)

-Despite all of this disarray I am still dating that guy (*known as p) and I actually WANT to sleep with him.   I really like him a lot-he has yet to try to even touch me even tho (word of mouth from his family) he really wants too.  He sleeps over frequently and cooks me the most perfect meals for me (all nearly fat-free, used with splenda and fine foods).  We spends hours upon hours reading, talking, cooking, tasting foods.  How perfect is that for someone with an ed? All day u just essentially obssess about food with someone.  And the more he holds out physically the moreI want him. 

-But I am terrified to allow him to know my personal life (the cuts, suicide, ed, etc.) just b/c it feels so intrusive-it wont be my little blanket to curl up to.  PLUS that is pretty damn intimidating to learn that the person your dating is majorly messed-up.  And what happens if we break-up?  I am scared to handle one other person in my fucked up mind.  I am shit-I should have never spoken to him.  It prolly would save him the time and energy.

-Despite all of this-I still am trying to die.  At any given moment I can I od (which fucks me up for days/even weeks).  Why do I feel so variable?  When anything is referrenced/addressed to me or someone focuses on me I just want to do violent things to myself.  Yet any other time I am ok (as long as I am completely disconnected from the world emotionally)? 

-I know I am a POS, and I know that this indulgence in p, work and school is wrong.  Its like Hilter indulging in his fantasies of being in power of the world.  (I obviously hate hitler!).  I have to go to bed...my thoughts are sorted out at least. 

          -Vega-soon I hope! As soon as I can (emotionally really).  I don't know if that makes sense.      

Well, I (embarrassingly) once again Oded.  I am pretty sure I calculated it right to actually DIE. 

I don't understand what keeps me breathing.  The thing is that I took the pills a while agao, I should be fucked upt by now?  I wish I could explain this deep hatred I have for myself.  I have been planning on this for a while.  I have been stick piling the pills waiting for the right time.  The trigger wasn't my sister, I guess that was just the sign it was time. 

I WANT TO BE IN ANOTHER PLACE.  NO ONE EVEN GIVES A FUCK about how mean my sister has been, or really anything about me (not the me they know, but the real me). 

Where were my parent's when I was 12 and being sexually abused, or 15 being raped?  What gives them the idea that now they have a right to say something when Im 23? (well 23 in 6 weeks). 

The last time I allowed myself to be seen I not just got "hurt" but ran over by a fucking train. 

I don't want to breathe anymore, I don't want to live anymore.  I want to burn my body to ashes and rid this world of my fucked up soul.

This is a long story cut short (im on my lunch break):

My younger sister and I have always been best friends.  We shared a room together growing up and we RARELY fought (other than cleanliness of the room).  She is three years younger than me, so I was a senior in high school while she was a freshman.  In high school we would hang out, go to lunch/breakfast together, and share secrets with each other.  Then I moved out for college and she was the only child left at home.  We had planned on her mopving in with me when she graduated high school and she was so exited to do so. 

Then two August's ago (2004) we moved in together in a nice two bedroom apartment.  Things were great until that Christmas (2004) when she met Jake.  Jake and I never got along-he dropped out of high school and is one of those annoying loud, RUDE, condescending, inaproppriate, and controling jerks that I despised all my life.  Everyone thought that Jake was a phase for my sister-he still may be a phase for her. Ever since then my sister and I have not really gotten along-fighting constantly about Jake being over 24/7.  So then my sister convinced Jake to get his GED and go to college, and so he did.  Yet Jake is still a controlling ASSHOLE that everyone in my sister's life hates.  

My sister has no friends of her own (her "new friends" are Jakes neighbors and childhood friends who ALSO dropped out of high school and have children out of wedlock and they are still in their teens!) and she is completely EMERSED in Jakeville.  She spends holidays with him rather than her own family and she bends over backwards for him.  Let me remind you she is 19, and so is he. 

Well obviously Jake interferes with her life adversely yet she is still with him.  What hurt me is that yesterday she chose to drop out of college and move up to Jake.  At first I was THRILLED to have her leave b/c she has become SO irresponible, lazy, mean, and hard to live with b/c of Jake.  I am tired of picking up her mess b/c Jake told her do something else.  But this is so sudden that after the initial thrill I wondered why she wants to move to him rather than break-up with him (she even acklowdges what an ass he is). 

So this morning I asked her why she is impulsively dropping class, and moving up to Jake and she responded with a list of whats wrong with me:  I am too-uptight, restricted, not fun, worried about responsibility, like a "40 year old", and lame.  This fucking HURT!  Thanks, way to top it off!  I already want to blow my head off with a blow torch but now she prefers to be with JAKE rather than me?  He doesn't even shower and refuses to wear a condom during sex.  Literally that is what an ass he is, he wont wear protection and she has had the morning after-pill twice already in a year. 

I told her that is what growing up is-balancing school, work, and life and becoming independent and an adult.  She just made a joke that I need to pull the stick out of my ass. 

GOD I WANT TO FUCKING DIE! 

Here I am again, dejected as shit.  I just got into an argument with my mother yet again.  She wanted me to answer questions about my schedule two weeks ago as I was driving and I told her I couldn’t remember two weeks ago and I would have had to look at my planner, however I was driving in traffic and couldn’t just reach into the back seat and grab my planner and read it as I was DRIVING!  She got pissed and said that I wouldn’t get the money then and hung up on me. 

I have not been getting along with my some of my family much because I have been working at my other job a lot more.  My mom gets upset that I can’t do things during her time but rather we have to make an appointment or compromise on a place.  She just assumes that I will come to her-an hour away-one way!  That’s TWO hours of driving everyday outside of commuting to my own job.  I get tired for Christ sake, what’s the problem with meeting half way? The problem is that in the past I would give in and drive down to her.  But since I had to spend a lot of money on my car (after the whole ledge thing) I really am tired of driving so much.  That’s only one issue…

I feel like no matter how hard I try I can’t truly keep things together.  No matter what I do I still feel rotten.  I am on two antidepressants, I stopped using substances, I have eaten more (and lost weight), and have worked more so now what?  I really want to stop breathing.  I know it is just me and I know I am a shit-faced disappointment and I recognize it is essential for me to die. 

I feel guilty and it feels like a rain cloud is over me.  I know I am so inherently iniquitous and no matter how hard I try I am still a fucking POS.  This is supposed to pass and life situations are supposed to change with time.  But I don’t hate my life instead I abhor myself.

I am dating my boss’ nephew (who is a chef) and he is so sweet and cute.  I am scared because he doesn’t know what a mess I am.  He respects my personal space-meaning he hasn’t tried to fool around with me in any sexual manner-and I really appreciate that.  But I am DREADFULLY terrified if something (sexual) does happen.  My wrists and my body are shredded up from trying to die.  How do you explain that?  Its not that it happened years ago-some of the cuts are from just last week.  How do I explain my fear of intimacy? The rapes, the sexual abuse?  The eating issues (even though I am fatter than ever)?  What if it gets back to my boss? 

I am so good at faking it that he believes that I am well put together.  He has no clue that I wish to die. 

And I really WISH (fucking plead) to die.  So how do I deal with him?  What do I tell him?

So it has been nearly a month since I have posted-a lot has gone on.  This journal is mainly for my purpose to sort through my thoughts and I have not been able to even log on.  I tried to kill myself a few times (pills, slitting my wrist, buying a gun-but it was found, and more pills, and driving my car off a small ledge in the mountains) yet I am still here.  I FUCKING WANT TO FUCKING DIE! 

Current weight-92 pounds

I cry every night as I imagine my head being slammed into the concrete-I NEED to die.  This intense feeling has lasted now for two years-non stop the fat on my fucking shitty body suffocates me.  My legs, arms, wrists are covered with scars witch just makes me fatter.  I am fatter than EVER!  FAT BITCH is my name!

*All the while this is going on on the inside of me however my outside demeaner is so perfectly put together.  I won a grant for research (that I had to pass b/c it required me to eat with associates) and my coworkers think I am some "model person" they need to follow.  They inquire questions about my weight and how I keep my life so in order.  My family thinks I am happy, and my friends think I am doing just fine. 

I am torn-I DESPISE myself and my FAT SHIT FACED ASS-however a little boy I work with just got diagnosed with bipolar (along with autism) and I have started working with him more.  He is a very unique person and its quite obvious when he grows up he will be VERY successful.  So I have been trying to outwradly hold myself together for him, yet I still have that yearning to stop breathing. 

I haven't used any substance other than caffiene for maybe a month or more (not even New Years) and I engage in "normal" social behaviors now such as dating (a very sweet slightly reserved guy) and going out to dinners and parties.  Yet however normal I try to be and however hard I try to hold myself together, I am falling deeper into this other dimension and I know I will die sometime soon.  My kidneys, heart, and liver are fucked up and I have seizures daily now. 

The only question I have that runs through my mind all of the time is why am I so FAT? My self control confuses me; on one hand I am in COMPLETE control, and yet I experience my world as so chaotic.  I know I am a horrible, rancid person-I HAVE TO DIE! DIE, DIE, DIE BITCH! 

This will never END! 

I know that my life is very small relative to the universe so I realize that these words that come to me as thoughts and end up on my pc screen are self-indulgent and insignificant.  I work with unfortunate children day after day, and I volunteer at the hospital twice a month so I see the iniquitous affairs that many people have to endure.  So these thoughts I have (and feel) I feel contrite and just plain wrong for having.  I still really want to die and I am fuming that I am not dead yet.  I always think (weird that i obsess about this b/c I usually seem in a good mood?) that I can kill myself now but it is Christmas-we have family in town!  Everyone will think that I did it out of anger or attentio when really i just REALLY want to die.  Recently I have seen commercials for a tv show with Jenna Elfman and OMG she is so thin and I am VERY FAT!  I am so terrified of my fat and I hate that people just don't understand that.  My Dad just says that there are more important things in life-WELL NO DUH!!!!!!!  No wonder I feel so guilty!  But I can't get off my fat.  I know I have tendencies towards OCD-personality and that is why I was so "sucessful" in school but that does not change the fact that i am FAT and that I should die b/c I AM fat and unworthy. 

I am afriad to do anything-live (school, work, date, friends) except to die.  I COULD just buy a gun or steal some narcotics, but that is out of the option.  I have to die by my own hand-and to slit my wrist is very violent-and the gun -(I really want to spare my sister) and is a bit hard to do scince you have to go through the tnedons etc.  The only websites that I have found that tells you how to die say things like "tylenol"-HUH-well check my blood, that doesn't work!  Why is it so easy to die unintentially but hard to die intentially?    

Anyway, I am really sad and want to die-but I think the holidays are are making my mood elevated but the NEED to die hasn't gone away. 

I am sleepy now-I have got to go to bed.  Good night.

Some interesting things going on: 

First-interestingly enough my mood has been all over the chart.  In the mornings I wake up usually in a good mood.  This is not unusual for me but what is unusual is that I stopped taking the antidepressants and I still feel good in the mornings.  Actually-I have felt better than I have in a while.  This may be due to the fact that it is the Holiday season and I LOVE the holiday season so much.  The music, the lights, the FOOD!  But I DO HATE the malls-so I always do all of my Christmas shopping before Thanskgiving to avoid the whole thing of nasty shopping in crowds.  I instead can spend the whole month of December chilling out. 

Anyway-although I have been in a slight better mood in the mornings/day while off Lexapro I have been crying EVERY Evening.  By the time its night I just cry and cry.  My memory also has gotten worse-I couldn't remember any of my Co-workers names at the Company Christmas party last night (and I was sober too!).  My word recall to articulate myself has declined even more.  I sound "stupid" even though I am talking about things I know really well.  It takes me a while to even get out my thoughts.  Going off the Lexapro suddenly is suppossed to make you REALLY depressed and there are warnings all over saying to not just stopping the lexapro but rather lower the dose and stop gradually. So I can't tell what is going on-I might also be crying at night because there are a lot of other stressful things going on (i.e. I watch my younger sister just take abuse from her boyfriend but she wont leave him, I am disregarded by everyone in my family-so any of my thoughts that they don't like are dismissed "well she is sick with anorexia", no friends etc.).  Anyway...I don't remember where i was going with all of that.

My Christmas party for work last night was strange.  I (once again) cried when I came home because I just don't fit in.  I feel so out of place all of the time and it sucks and last night I only felt comfortable with the 40 and up crowd rather than my own age group.  Most of the people I work with are my age (well about 25 to 30) but the administrative staff is older (what everyone calls the 40 and up group).  I tried really hard to fit in last night but I had NOTHING to talk about with the younger crowd.  They talked about how "Nick and Jessica broke up" (WHO is Nick and Jessica?-There is a Nick who works with us but was he dating a Jessica?) or Eminem.  

Also I dress (everyday) very differently than my coworkers.  I wore last night nice clothes-a skirt, tights, nice boots, and a nice sweater-and they all wore JEANS!  JEANS?  It is a company Christmas party, I thought you dressed nicer.  The only other person who dressed like me was my Boss.  This wouldn't have bothered me except for the fact people call me pretentios (or in high school rich bitch) so I am sensitive to the issue.  I have never fit in and I have always been told that someday I will.  In sixth grade it was "middle school is different, you'll fit in" then it was high school, then college, then in the workplace.  Now when?  I feel like I will never fit in.  My brother-in-law claims that I fit in with the more successful crowd (the boss' rather than employees) but that doesn't help.  My nanny when I was in first grade defended me once from the teacher saying I was an "old soul" rather than a child (I wasn't engaged in the book reading time b/c I would get so pissed when others read to me.  I wanted to read it myself even though I couldn't read very well yet).  My sixteenth birthday my friends wrote on my car "sixteen going on 40"! 

Its just upsetting b/c I really wish I had some friends (my age!, w/o kids!).  I feel like I have to dress down and behave inappropriately to fit in with the mid-20's group.  I just want to fit in!I am crying now!

Although-one REALLY good thing   ---Molly's cousin *P* (Molly is a girl I do behavioral therapy with-a client) wants to take me out!  This is exciting because he is VERY cute and everyone at my work likes him.  He also is a professional cook-this can be good or bad-and cooks me fine foods.  So all I have to say to my coworkers who say I am too pretentious is-"HA!  Why am I the one who can find the good catch!"    

People can say I am pretentious and my standards are too high but at least I will get what I want! 

Anyway-I am tired and I think I will go to bed.   

Why am I not dead?  Why am I so fat?  Why is it so hard to kill yourself?  I know a lot about biology and physiology and quite honestly I am completely mystified as to why I hadn’t died.  Seriously the pills I have taken in the past few months really should have killed me.  If I were to list what I have taken medical professionals would be flabbergasted that I am still here.  I know my liver is mutilated and I have seizures all day long.  And my bones resemble an 80 year old and my joints are disappeared. 

I am so unworthy of this life because I am such fucking shit!  I don’t want to take another breath. I am so wasteful as I stagger around this being in a daze.  My memory has faded and I can’t even remember simple things.  I can’t remember the fact that my friend is engaged!  What a horrible person I am!  I am a fucking malicious person.  I hate myself so much. 

I have been really busy lately.  Almost every single day I have been to doctors just wasting money and time.  At night when I try to kill myself I yearn that each breath I take is my last.  When it is finally morning I cry in my bed before I get up at the fact that I am still alive.  My thoughts run to why Cassie was shot in the head and not me.  Every day I am intensely aware of my contemptible self and every little thing I do incorrect.  I try so hard to do things right however my head seems to be twisted on wrong.  I can’t remember what I am doing in the middle of the project and I am constantly shaky and unsteady. My fine motor skills have drastically degenerated to the point I can’t even tie my shoes so now I am wearing slip on shoes. 

The ironic thing is all the while my younger sister just rolls her eyes at me and discounts everything I do or say.  My mom yells at me for being “insensitive” to my sister because SHE is stressed for finals.  What about me?  What about how I feel while she rolls her eyes and disregards me? I spend hours crying everyday and I pine for the knives stabbing my chest to just halt.  Then I feel like a bigger shameless person because it’s not like my life is bad!  I have a great life (relatively) so why am I such a hideous person?

Someday soon I WILL eradicate myself.  Mark my words.  My soul has already been annihilated.  I need to be punished because I am such a repulsive individual.  I am DEFECTIVE. 

I sometimes wonder if my older sister bought a new puppy because of me.  Her and her husband work so much I am essentially taking care of the little thing.  Why would you buy a 6-week-old puppy when you work 110 hours a week?  It makes me speculate that they bought the puppy not only for themselves but also for me to play with and to keep me occupied. 

I wish I could articulate more of how defective I really am.  Words cannot describe the bricks that are hitting me at warp speeds and it has been months of this (look back into the archives, it has!).  LOL-I jumped out my window the other night hoping that the short three flights would kill me.  I was fine and actually I didn’t even have a scratch or sprain.  I feel like smashing my head on the wall until I can’t move anymore.

My skin is crawling and i can't describe this anyother way.   I know I have said this many times before but for lack of words ther is something inside me that is constantly pulling me below the suface.  I know this illusion of control which is actually a lack of self-control (with the ed) is never ending and I fear that this crawling feeling is never ending too.  I am being pulled beneath the surface of reality and it is confusing b/c even after pondering this I can't articulate it better.  I wish I could describe this fat feeling that makes me crawl.  I can feel it under my skin, like an itch, and it just gets worse and worse until I work out or somehow make myself thinner.

Fear is such a powerful emotion.  Fear is what pulls me under and I can't tell if it is the fear that makes me angry at myself or not.  But I do know it is part of what is pulling me beneath the surface of this reality-this plane.  When I am not fearful of the FUTURE in particular I have a moment of being ok.  But when my future is unknown that is what feeds the fear and then it is all down hill from that.  I  NEED the security, I am not one for "rushes" or "excitement" or "adventure"-that all give me MAJOR anxiety.  I NEED-like it is air- security in my future.  And w/o security fear just grows.

That is one thing that really bothers me: people think eds are about control over the PAST, but really for me it is PURELY control over the future.

think about this with ed's and recovery: